I want to pour my heart out currently...okay so I have no idea why all of sudden my little heart has been craving soooo much love. However, I've been craving this kind of love that I have no idea what it feels like. Hm, I'm not sure that may make any sense, but what I mean is that I've been wanting more than love. I've been wanting to experience being "in love". Now, where in the hell did this come from? Too many movies, love songs, Instagram posts blahhhh. I also watched
Meghan Hughes video where she basically talked about everything I was feeling, which sparked me to channel my inner feelings and open up about what's going on in my mind at the moment.
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| Lyrics from the song "Peach" by The Front Bottoms |
I've never known what it's like to have someone who is completely infatuated with me & with the idea of being with me. The idea of being in love with someone has always seemed appealing to me, even though sometimes I pretend that it's gross and unnecessary. In the past, I allowed myself to be stepped on all over by guys who had no intention of ever falling in love with me because I liked the attention. It felt nice to have a guy to talk to, to pick me up and drive around with, to talk to, but it never got to be more than that. I will admit, I've only been involved with two guys who both tried their best to keep me a secret. At the moment, I was so blinded by the fact that someone actually wanted to be involved with me that I didn't see the disrespect they were giving me (mostly the more recent guy). They didn't want to open up to me, I mean why would they? They just wanted to get in my pants.
I'm not going to lie, it hurts. Realizing that someone is not who you wanted them to be and accepting that they will never be in love with you really fucking sucks . Blocking them off everything and cutting them out of your life is so fucking hard but it's worth it. Before, I didn't realize that being disrespected was not okay. I let it fly, I even at one point thought that that was the best I was going to get. HAH, hell no. When someone is in love with you, they won't treat you like shit. They won't keep you a secret, they'll flaunt you, love you, care for you, prioritize you, etc. and I feel that those are all things I so desperately want to experience. Letting go of these guys who treated me like shit was the first thing that made me realize I didn't know what love is. Kissing him felt like nothing. My first kiss was to some ass, it wasn't anything special. It was shitty, & all the kisses that came after that were shitty. It's funny because all the disrespect I was tolerating wasn't even being made up for with good kisses. I came to realize that I was indeed not in love with this guy when I realized that there were sooooo many blank areas in this "relationship" if I can even call it that. There were no levels of trust, no deep talks about life, nothing.
I get mad at myself for dealing with these shitty guys, but now I know what it's like to NOT be in love. With this realization comes me desperately wanting to know what it's like to be someone's someone, which is exactly what Meghan said. I know I'm young and I can't rush things, but it sucks when you feel like you're missing out on something. I still cry about the guy I made myself vulnerable for because it still hurts me. I didn't get closure, I didn't get to tell him how much I so desperately wanted us to work. I'm always stuck on this shit end of the love spectrum. I want to be so fucking in love with someone and have someone reciprocate the feeling. I don't want to be the only one with feelings, because I know that sometimes I can have too many and like they say at work to the kids, I have "big emotions". Man, this post ended up being kind of a downer. Anyways, I just needed to get things off of my chest, which is a common theme for many of my blog posts. I know that in the end I will be okay. I totally understand that I 100% do not need a relationship to be happy.
I hope you are all well and happy. I'm going to continue listening to sappy love songs & dancing in my underwear by myself :-) (hopefully soon I will feel comfortable enough to try out an ootd type of blog post???)
-Jess
