This post is not something very easy for me to write, especially when it's something as important as self love. It's like i'm saying "go on, do it!". No, this is a concept I am still myself trying so desperately to grasp.
For as long as I can remember, I have never felt confident in my own skin. I have never been one to be happy or comfortable in my own skin. It was always way easier for me to look at other girls and say "I want to be them" than to look at myself and say "I am happy with who I am". There was always a problem with my body, my face, the way my smile looked, the fact that my eyes went wonky sometimes, etc. There was always something that I thought people were going to point out and laugh at. I think only once in my life have I ever felt okay with myself, & that was when I was 16 years old. Sadly, the only reason I did feel okay with myself was because other people would tell me I was pretty & that they liked the way I dress on a daily basis. I didn't genuinely feel good about myself, but since people around me said so, then it must've been true? My selfies would get more than 100 likes, so people must've really liked me, right? Such bullshit. I was using other people's opinions to shape the way I saw myself. This was so, so wrong of me. I hated myself, I hated that I wasn't "wanted" by boys, I hated that my body was different because I was curvier than other girls, I hated that I hated myself. I WAS FUELED BY HATRED SMH!!!!
Fast forward to me freshmen year of college, I was determined to finally start practicing some self love. Nope. I couldn't do it no matter how hard I tried. A lot of the times it was me jokingly saying "I hate myself" but it was always pretty true. I was surrounded by friends telling me that I NEEDED to stop bringing myself down & needed to understand that I had to believe I was a "bad bitch" (thank u zoe) but it was just so hard. Why couldn't I just look at myself in the mirror without cringing at the sight of me. And I know that I am not the only person who struggles with self love & self care. It's not an easy process and definitely takes TIME!!!!!! It takes time to heal all the negative thoughts engraved in our minds, I feel you girl, I feel your pain. When did I begin to realize that self love is so important? When I realized that no one is going to treat me with respect if I don't respect myself first. I was allowing people to treat me like shit because I thought that I deserved shit. NO. If I want to be treated with love & respect (not only from potential love interests), I need to treat myself with all the love & respect I can give myself. In my head, I keep replaying RuPaul saying "If you don't love yourself, how the HELL you gonna love somebody else" as he does at the end of every episode of RPDR because it is TRUE. I couldn't continue to be self destructive because it was damaging me way too much both physically & mentally.
Loving myself is something very, very new to me. I have just began this journey of falling in love with myself, but now that I know what a beautiful journey it is going to lead me on, I want everybody to be able to love themselves. It's so important. I once met a girl who told me, "I want to fall in love with somebody who has already fallen in love with themselves" & that quote has stuck with me. It's just so beautiful!!!! Fall in love with yourself & learn to love all of your flaws because NOBODY is perfect. It's okay to have big hips, it's okay to have small hips. It's okay to have acne, it's okay to have freckles, it's okay to have moles, it's okay to have none of those. Work with the body you have been given, don't fight it. Up until now have I been able to be happy with my big, dimply thighs. I understand that cellulite is normal & I shouldn't have to hide my legs because of others opinions. Try your best to not shut down the idea of wearing something because you think it doesn't suit your body type. You have the potential to rock any outfit as long as you FEEL GOOD! It's okay to feel yourself & love yourself, people get mad when others practice self love but fuck them :^). I want everyone to know that the journey to self love is difficult and it can take a lot of time but it is worth it.
I hope you can all embark on a journey of self love & positivity if you haven't already <3
-Jess
