Well, I guess I have officially entered the world of adulthood. I am now 20 years old (as of January 9). Since i've been on vacation (@ home), i've been spending a lot of time reflecting not only on 2016, but just my life in general. 2016 was my first real taste of what everyone refers to as the "real world" (as if we'd been living in some fake world the whole time before graduation, right?). I moved into my first apartment, started working A LOT, started buying my own groceries [which is honestly super stressful sometimes lol], but you get the gist. A lot of changes started coming my way and it was/still is hard for me. I realized that i'm not someone who can easily adjust to change and I definitely need time to soak everything in. But along with all of this came of sense of "fuck yeah dude you got this!" where I felt like I could get more done and challenge myself. Reflecting on it now, I understand that my brain really is my own worst enemy and it makes me feel weak sometimes. More often than not I am tearing myself apart instead of bringing myself up. So, accepting that I have more potential than I think is one step into young adulthood because I'm going to need that "fuck yeah, you can do it" mentality to get me through challenges that are going to happen eventually (because life is unpredictable and puts us through some hard shit sometimes). I literally saw this happen this past semester! I felt really crappy about my grades and school, BUT i ended up w/ straight B's and i passed one of the classes that I honestly thought I was going to fail. I know, straight B's isn't straight A's, but for being one of the most challenging periods of my life (thus far) I think I did pretty okay. Anyways, it's just been hard for me to deal with everything coming at me all at once, but I guess trying to take it one at a time and understanding that it's okay to not be able to master everything has helped. I feel like my brain is just constantly running (which of course it is or i'd be dead) but I need to learn to not allow myself to get into such a negative mindset. It's a very hard thing to change your mindset, but I am very self aware of what exactly these changes need to be, it's just a matter of motivating myself to change.
So, even through all of what seems to be negativity constantly surrounding me, I have been feeling extremely lucky to be surrounded by such wonderful people. Although sometimes my brain tries to make me feel like nothing is real and nothing in life really matters, I usually always am able to get back into the mindset that the relationships I have created with [almost] everyone in my life are important. I have reached the point in my life where the friends I have are people who I genuinely want in my life. It's not like it was in high school where the friendships were so one dimensional. I'm surrounded by creative, kind, and compassionate people who are honestly SO important to me. Without my close friends, both from San Francisco and my hometown, I don't know who I would be. I love every relationship I have created with these people. My birthday seemed to be just another day because of the whole "nothing is real/everything is meaningless", but having my friends send me heartfelt messages and my family celebrating me was nice. The attention was odd, especially from my family, but nonetheless I appreciate everything. It's just been very fulfilling being able to spend time with all of these very important people in my life, whether it be family or friends, even on the days that I really don't want to get out of bed because they bring light to my days.
Sorry for the ramble/if it was confusing, sometimes I don't know how to use my words.
I hope you are all enjoying 2017 so far and that you are all well :)
