if u like cool music i like u

HI!!!!!!!! It's been sooooooo long since i've posted on here but when do i not start my posts like this smh. I hate that most of my posts seem to be me updating y'all on what's been going on in my life, but then I remember that this will also be here forever so it's nice to know what I was doing/thinking at this exact moment in my life so on with the updates :^)

My favorite corner in my room.

I've been in the apartment since mid-august and it's been so great. I love having a place that I feel 100% comfortable in. When I get home after a LOOOOONG day of school & work, I just feel so much better because I get to share laughs with my best buds. I've also learned to appreciate sleeping in so much more because I have to wake up so early m-f so saturday & sunday are my days. I sleep in & then depending how I feel I either stay in or go out to check out the city or go spend money haha. School has been okay, I was feeling a little down the other day because I took and test & felt as though I failed so I called my parents & they both told me about how proud they are of me because i'm challenging myself in a way I never have before. Juggling school & work is so fucking hard, props to everyone with an even more hectic schedule than mine. Hearing encouragement from both of them was something I really needed to hear. Although school is tough & work is draining, I love my job & school is important (aka I really shouldn't drop out lol). Ugh work is so so so awesome though, the amount of love I feel from my kids at work really keeps me going most days to be completely honest. The connection I have made with some of them is so important to me & I am so happy that life worked out the way it did in this aspect because not a lot of people can say that they liked their first job, let alone like their current job in general. I'm kinda making a big deal about it but it is a big portion of my day and these kids have all taken my heart :~)

Okay so that's how life is currently going, so I just wanted to add some songs that i've been listening to lately!!! These songs above are my go-to's when I want something that's upbeat & fun. My friend recently introduced me to Japanese Breakfast they're sooooo bubbly!!! SALES is very synth-pop & they make me wanna dance, would love to see them live one day. HOMESHAKE is also pretty synth-pop but a lot more electronic (honestly I fucking suck at describing music) I love this album!! I'll list the song titles at the end of the post since they're kinda hard to see!

These songs are my go-to's for when I'm looking to get lost in the "feels". They're a lot slower than the ones i've already mentioned, but still poppin'. There's a lot of emotion in them. Y'all, Spooky Black is legit one of the best artists out there. His songs are soft and mellow, full of so much meaning. I've been talking about him a lot so i'd highly recommend checking him out. Cyberbully Mom Club, YALL I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. That's all I can say about them, seriously do yourself a favor and fall in love with CBMC as much as I have. Angel Olsen is a literal angel. Her voice is mesmerizing, this song makes me feel so many things. Her latest album has so many bops, it's a it different from her usual vocals & guitar vibes, but ughhhhhh her voice is beautiful!!!

These last songs are my favorite up-beat songs to run to. Chance the Rapper, fun. Childish Gambino, poppin'. Kanye West, badass (also, the entire album "The Life of Pablo" is currently my favorite album to run to). These all keep me going when i'm in my last couple laps of the run they just get me so hyped up. Music helps me run because it makes it a lot less boring!!! I would totally recommend making a playlist with all of your favorite fun/energetic songs!! I don't run as often as I would like but at least I am doing it a couple days of the week :)

All of the backgrounds for the pictures are some of the disposables I got developed. 

Song Titles:

Everybody Wants to Love You- Japanese Breakfast

Chinese New Year- SALES

Under the Sheets- HOMESHAKE

Pull- Spooky Black

Love Soft- Cyberbully Mom Club

Those Were the Days- Angel Olsen

All Night- Chance the Rapper

II. Earth: The Oldest Computer

Feedback- Kanye West

Catch ya in the next one!

-Jess

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choose to fall in love with urself ♥‿♥

This post is not something very easy for me to write, especially when it's something as important as self love. It's like i'm saying "go on, do it!". No, this is a concept I am still myself trying so desperately to grasp.

For as long as I can remember, I have never felt confident in my own skin. I have never been one to be happy or comfortable in my own skin. It was always way easier for me to look at other girls and say "I want to be them" than to look at myself and say "I am happy with who I am". There was always a problem with my body, my face, the way my smile looked, the fact that my eyes went wonky sometimes, etc. There was always something that I thought people were going to point out and laugh at. I think only once in my life have I ever felt okay with myself, & that was when I was 16 years old. Sadly, the only reason I did feel okay with myself was because other people would tell me I was pretty & that they liked the way I dress on a daily basis. I didn't genuinely feel good about myself, but since people around me said so, then it must've been true? My selfies would get more than 100 likes, so people must've really liked me, right? Such bullshit. I was using other people's opinions to shape the way I saw myself. This was so, so wrong of me. I hated myself, I hated that I wasn't "wanted" by boys, I hated that my body was different because I was curvier than other girls, I hated that I hated myself. I WAS FUELED BY HATRED SMH!!!!

Fast forward to me freshmen year of college, I was determined to finally start practicing some self love. Nope. I couldn't do it no matter how hard I tried. A lot of the times it was me jokingly saying "I hate myself" but it was always pretty true. I was surrounded by friends telling me that I NEEDED to stop bringing myself down & needed to understand that I had to believe I was a "bad bitch" (thank u zoe) but it was just so hard. Why couldn't I just look at myself in the mirror without cringing at the sight of me. And I know that I am not the only person who struggles with self love & self care. It's not an easy process and definitely takes TIME!!!!!! It takes time to heal all the negative thoughts engraved in our minds, I feel you girl, I feel your pain. When did I begin to realize that self love is so important? When I realized that no one is going to treat me with respect if I don't respect myself first. I was allowing people to treat me like shit because I thought that I deserved shit. NO. If I want to be treated with love & respect (not only from potential love interests), I need to treat myself with all the love & respect I can give myself. In my head, I keep replaying RuPaul saying "If you don't love yourself, how the HELL you gonna love somebody else" as he does at the end of every episode of RPDR because it is TRUE. I couldn't continue to be self destructive because it was damaging me way too much both physically & mentally.

Loving myself is something very, very new to me. I have just began this journey of falling in love with myself, but now that I know what a beautiful journey it is going to lead me on, I want everybody to be able to love themselves. It's so important. I once met a girl who told me, "I want to fall in love with somebody who has already fallen in love with themselves" & that quote has stuck with me. It's just so beautiful!!!! Fall in love with yourself & learn to love all of your flaws because NOBODY is perfect. It's okay to have big hips, it's okay to have small hips. It's okay to have acne, it's okay to have freckles, it's okay to have moles, it's okay to have none of those. Work with the body you have been given, don't fight it. Up until now have I been able to be happy with my big, dimply thighs. I understand that cellulite is normal & I shouldn't have to hide my legs because of others opinions. Try your best to not shut down the idea of wearing something because you think it doesn't suit your body type. You have the potential to rock any outfit as long as you FEEL GOOD! It's okay to feel yourself & love yourself, people get mad when others practice self love but fuck them :^). I want everyone to know that the journey to self love is difficult and it can take a lot of time but it is worth it.

I hope you can all embark on a journey of self love & positivity if you haven't already <3

-Jess

i'm here

Zoe & I before school ended (pc to Sarrita)

Hello everyone, I have been absent for a while & all I can say is that this summer has been both super unproductive but also one of the best summers ever (posting pictures throughout this blog post). Going into it I thought that I was going to be locked up in my house doing nothing but sleeping all day & gaining weight. THANKFULLY this summer has proven to be the total opposite. For some reason, my mom totally surprised me & became really lenient with me, meaning I'm allowed to go out often, stay out pretty late, & even sleepover friends houses! Crazy never had I expected my mom to have this sudden change, but she told me she trusts me & that really means a lot to me. So I've been able to see my friends but also hang out at home with my family, it's great.

A picture that very drunk me took of my friend Ray Ray at my first party lol

More great news, my dad told me not to worry about getting a job while i'm home & take some time to take care of myself & my siblings, but he told me to also try to get my license while I was home. So, I took my permit test & three weeks later i'm happy to say I PASSED!!! I'm so happy that I was able to set my mind to something and achieve my goal. I know I am still not the best driver out there, but hey practice makes perfect!

TWIN PEAKS SHOW AHH

Also, I have been getting ready to move back to SF soon by changing the time I wake up & also my eating habits. I wake up everyday at 6 in the morning to take my brother to cross country practice & try my best to not fall back asleep. I want to start running too but exercise is so blah to me, I try to get into working out but agh I hate that I hate it so much. Anyways, being awake early makes the day feel longer as well as preparing my body to wake up early once I go back to work & school because I have class at 8 am everyday...and work everyday...ugh already dreading it but that's life!! I also decided to transition back to vegetarianism & hopefully it sticks with my for longer than a couple of months. It's been almost a month now, for some reason this time around it's become a lot easier for me to resist meat. Especially when it comes to family gatherings, I am not afraid to say "No thanks" to my family when they offer carne asada or carnitas because now I am doing it not only because I love animals, but because when I am a vegetarian I get really creative with my meals and incorporate a LOT of veggies & fruits, I love it!!! Hopefully in SF i'll be able to fully transition to veganism.

A mission in Santa Barbara

I mean reading over this it sounds like i'm doing pretty good, i'm not going to sugarcoat it & say that I have not struggled mentally this summer because I have struggled a lot with random surges of sadness as well as anxiety, but talking about it makes me feel better. I have also still been struggling a lot with my financial aid again which sucks a lot, however, I know that everything will turn out how it's supposed to so hopefully the universe is with me and allows me to go back to school without the constant worry of money struggles.

Ventura Beach

I am constantly being told by my loved ones that I will be okay, only until recently have I begun to believe them. Life is weird and fucked up, but i'll figure it all out eventually.
& if you are going through something similar or going through a rough patch, keep in mind that even though it sounds like bullshit, you will get through it. Have faith in yourself & know you are a strong & beautiful individual :)

Driving in Santa Barbara

I have two important posts that I am currently writing up that I am very excited to talk about because they are both very important subjects to me, so I hope to get those up soon.

Zoe in Huntington Beach

Hope you are all doing well!!!

you make me smile when there's nothing to smile about

I want to pour my heart out currently...okay so I have no idea why all of sudden my little heart has been craving soooo much love. However, I've been craving this kind of love that I have no idea what it feels like. Hm, I'm not sure that may make any sense, but what I mean is that I've been wanting more than love. I've been wanting to experience being "in love". Now, where in the hell did this come from? Too many movies, love songs, Instagram posts blahhhh. I also watched Meghan Hughes video where she basically talked about everything I was feeling, which sparked me to channel my inner feelings and open up about what's going on in my mind at the moment.

Lyrics from the song "Peach" by The Front Bottoms

I've never known what it's like to have someone who is completely infatuated with me & with the idea of being with me. The idea of being in love with someone has always seemed appealing to me, even though sometimes I pretend that it's gross and unnecessary. In the past, I allowed myself to be stepped on all over by guys who had no intention of ever falling in love with me because I liked the attention. It felt nice to have a guy to talk to, to pick me up and drive around with, to talk to, but it never got to be more than that. I will admit, I've only been involved with two guys who both tried their best to keep me a secret. At the moment, I was so blinded by the fact that someone actually wanted to be involved with me that I didn't see the disrespect they were giving me (mostly the more recent guy). They didn't want to open up to me, I mean why would they? They just wanted to get in my pants.

I'm not going to lie, it hurts. Realizing that someone is not who you wanted them to be and accepting that they will never be in love with you really fucking sucks . Blocking them off everything and cutting them out of your life is so fucking hard but it's worth it. Before, I didn't realize that being disrespected was not okay. I let it fly, I even at one point thought that that was the best I was going to get. HAH, hell no. When someone is in love with you, they won't treat you like shit. They won't keep you a secret, they'll flaunt you, love you, care for you, prioritize you, etc. and I feel that those are all things I so desperately want to experience. Letting go of these guys who treated me like shit was the first thing that made me realize I didn't know what love is. Kissing him felt like nothing. My first kiss was to some ass, it wasn't anything special. It was shitty, & all the kisses that came after that were shitty. It's funny because all the disrespect I was tolerating wasn't even being made up for with good kisses. I came to realize that I was indeed not in love with this guy when I realized that there were sooooo many blank areas in this "relationship" if I can even call it that. There were no levels of trust, no deep talks about life, nothing.

I get mad at myself for dealing with these shitty guys, but now I know what it's like to NOT be in love. With this realization comes me desperately wanting to know what it's like to be someone's someone, which is exactly what Meghan said. I know I'm young and I can't rush things, but it sucks when you feel like you're missing out on something. I still cry about the guy I made myself vulnerable for because it still hurts me. I didn't get closure, I didn't get to tell him how much I so desperately wanted us to work. I'm always stuck on this shit end of the love spectrum. I want to be so fucking in love with someone and have someone reciprocate the feeling. I don't want to be the only one with feelings, because I know that sometimes I can have too many and like they say at work to the kids, I have "big emotions". Man, this post ended up being kind of a downer. Anyways, I just needed to get things off of my chest, which is a common theme for many of my blog posts. I know that in the end I will be okay. I totally understand that I 100% do not need a relationship to be happy.

I hope you are all well and happy. I'm going to continue listening to sappy love songs & dancing in my underwear by myself :-) (hopefully soon I will feel comfortable enough to try out an ootd type of blog post???)

-Jess

bored + broke

 Day 2 of summer vacation and it is definitely not what I have been expecting. I'm home alone, really broke, and really tired of hours and hours of job hunting. I broke my phone a couple days ago, leading to me having to pay for a new one. This was my first big purchase for myself, since prior to this the only real payments I was making was for my housing. Anyone who knows me personally knows how stingy I am with my money & how conscious I am about the ways that I spend it, so this really made a dent in my bank account & my heart (lol). But oh well I have a cool new phone now that I paid for so I have to be really responsible and mindful about how I treat it.

With this unexpected purchase, it set me back. I need to think about the amount of money I am going to need for our apartment, so I can't sit around at home anymore. I definitely need a job, but for someone who gets nervous around people, the thought that I need to get a job that isn't with kids scares me. I don't want to mess up or have to deal with rude customers, but I also can't keep hiding because eventually I need to learn how to have social skills. Obviously a simple job at a fast food or retail store would fulfill my need to learn these skills. I can't be afraid of getting a more fast paced job because it's not going to get me anywhere. I'm too old to be having these kinds of fears, I just have to get over it??? Everyone deals with rude customers once in a while, but a phat a$$ check makes up for it, I guess. I shouldn't let other people's scary customer stories freak me out because that's like a once every blue moon situation. 

Overall, I'm trying to go into getting a new job with an open mindset. Even if I hate the job, it's only going to be for two months until I go back to SF to a job I love!! I wish there was a job that I got paid to sleep, I LOVE SLEEP!!!

Hope everyone is feelin' good :)

-Jess

surrounding yourself with beautiful souls

 My manifesto:

If there is one thing that I strongly believe in, it is this: The people you surround yourself with will greatly impact how you feel. 

Up until senior year of high school, I felt that friendships were very one dimensional. It was mostly just about exchanging gossip, giving each other "advice" when it came to crushes and mostly me trying to convince these "friends" that their boyfriends were actually scum & then being told I was just jealous (yeah right!), and copying each others homework. That's it. Yes, I had some fun moments with some friends in middle and high school, but it was mostly me being unhappy with myself and being unhappy with the friendships I was in. They were not benefiting me, I couldn't talk to any of these "friends" about my feelings, my depression, my uncertainty of life. I was stuck with people I basically only used to not be alone at school. I felt uncomfortable and hopeless.

This all changed when I began to meet people who understood me. & when I say "understood me" I mean in more ways than one. Not only did they listen to all this really cool music & play in a rockin' band, but we had deep conversations about life and complex ideas. I will forever be greatful that senior year I met the vaginas + Rene. They did so much for me & i'm sure they don't even know it. Now that I have moved 500+ miles away, it is hard to talk to them all, but I think we have all done the best we can & still remain friends.

I moved from Los Angeles to San Francisco, I was freaking out. How could I have left such an amazing group of friends back home?! Who was I supposed to talk to?! I had met one really cool girl (Karla), but I hated asking her to hang out with me because I thought I was annoying? First month of college recap: lonely, netflix, crying, homesick, emptiness, chipotle (lol). I was going crazy being alone all the time!!! Thankfully, Karla invited me to hang out with her and her buddies & even though it was kind of awkward at first, I LOVED THEM! I felt so happy being with them. I later went on to hanging out with them basically ALL THE TIME!!!! I was soooo happy because I was surrounded by people who listened to hella good music, expressed themselves, & encouraged me to be me!!! They assured me that I wasn't alone in anything, and that means so much to me. We became this group of beautiful people with beautiful minds, and even though sometimes they frustrate me when they tell me something I don't want to hear, I end up appreciating it. I mean they only say it because they care. All the laughs and good memories we share are something I will cherish forever, the midnight adventures & Beyonce dance parties. Everything. Being with them and being surrounded by them brought me so much happiness. There were many occasions where my stress and anxiety made me feel so shitty, but then i'd just go over to the trap house and i'd alleviate some of it. If there is one thing I learned in my first year of college it's that the people who you choose to surround yourself with have the ability to impact you so much, and these people have impacted me in such a positive way. I love making them laugh (even if they aren't laughing with me, but more so at me) & I just wanted to extend this as a "thank you" for being themselves. I have never felt more comfortable with a group of people, I mean we all even fart in front of each other!!! Wow!!! 

Find a group of people who push you forward, make you laugh, & fart in front of you.

I have found my people, & for that I am forever grateful. In these pictures I really wanted to capture the essence of them & their personalities, enjoy!!!

Da group!

Zoe//The one who speaks her mind & reminds us to love ourselves. 

Mia//The one who is basically all of our moms, she takes care of us.

Sarrita//The one who introduced so much adventure into my life!

Josselyn//The one who always wants to wrestle/fight me but also teaches me so much.

Karllo//The one who introduced me to everyone & who also isn't afraid to be spontaneous.

Mal Plum//The one who laughs at me, but also with me.

Me//The one who reminds everyone of a dorky uncool uncle haha.

I love you!!!!!

SO! MANY! THOUGHTS! HOLY! SHIT!

I don't really know how to start this blog post because it's honestly just going to be ranting and complaining about everything that has been bothering me while hopefully making myself feel better by getting it off of my chest and out of the back of my mind.

School: Okay well it's finals week soooooo basically i'm crying every night about how my grades suck and the fact that I have so much shit to do. Honestly, my grades don't suck and I'm making this situation worse by telling myself that I have so much to do because I have sooooo much time to get everything done. I know that I have the capability to pass all my classes, so why do I sike myself out of everything? I'm literally causing myself nothing but more stress by saying that I can't do this. I CAN DO THIS FUCK FINALS FUCK THE SYSTEM. YOU CAN DO THIS TOO I BELIEVE IN YOU LET'S GET THESE FINALS OVER WITH!

Living Situation: So, now that this school year is going to be done with, i'm going to have to leave my dorm and either stay on campus next semester or attempt to get an apartment. I applied for housing buttttttt it's a lottery system and apparently not everyone who applied is going to have housing so that could be me. However, living on campus is easier & such but it's also pretty expensive. An apartment would be cheaper (in the long run) & i'd get to pick my best buds as my roommates?! How perfect would that be?! Even though it sounds so great, it's also super expensive due to that fact that right now I have nothing, no furniture or mattress or anything. That & we need to pay deposit & rent like what the fuck!!!!!!! Housing in SF in general is so expensive & in the words of my dad "A donde te fuiste a meter" or "where did I throw myself into"? I'm just overwhelmed by the numbers that need to be in my bank account that I don't have & it's freaking me out. Also, i'm going to be unemployed as soon as school is over so that doesn't help *eyes start twitching*.

Personal: I'm having a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that I need to grow up. Yeah, all of this is a valid reason for me to be frustrated, but this is only the beginning. I have 3-4 more years of dealing with all of these problems! The other day, I realized that my dad is turning 47 years old in August. I flipped out. How is it that my dad is almost 50 fucking years old. That is not okay. That means that I am nearing 20 years old & I AM NOT READY FOR ALL OF THIS. When did I get into this position???? I'm not living in the moment I'm freaking out about the future too much?!?!? 

The school year is ending and it's all starting to feel like it's piling up on me.

Current Mood: asdfghjkl fuckkkkkking shit

te adoro

Since today is mother's day, I wanted to dedicate this post to some really important people.

Mothers.

Honestly, it's always crazy to me to think that my mom had the strength to go through hours of labor just so I could be here today. It's crazy that women all over the world at all hours of the day are going through such immense pain to welcome a new person into this world. I think the act of childbirth is such a selfless act; women know the circumstances but still go through it because of the love they have for their baby. Not only this, but for the most part, mother's have to deal with us for as long as we are alive.

Ever since I started working at the children's center, I have seen motherhood in new eyes. Since I'm working with infants (1 year olds), I have been able to share so many incredible moments with them. I have seen each one of them take their first steps, walking over to me with such beautiful smiles, hugging me once they have reached me. I'm not going to lie, I have teared up each time this has happened because these small babies are sharing these milestones with me. With beautiful moments like these come the tantrums, poop explosions, spit up/throw up (happens more often than i'd like), messy and stained t-shirts, pinches, bites, tears, and running away from the diaper table...naked. I had never really thought about how difficult it must be to be a mom. Thankfully, I get to go home after a rough day of work and relax. Once you are a mom, you can't do that. Your attention is on your child at ALL times. You rarely get "me time" and have now had to switch gears from worrying about yourself to worrying about baby & you. I know, everything is different for every mom, & who am I to speak not even being a mom myself? However, I can tell you this: every mother has had to struggle at some point in their life for her child & this to me is beautiful.

I complain about feeling like I don't receive as much love as I would like, but I need to take a step back & realize the amount of love my mother has shown me. She has had to deal with me & all my phases, my rebellion, my tears, my tantrums...me. She dealt with the painful changes her body went through because she wanted me. She has financially supported me with school & shared the frustrations with me, but even through all of this, she has never once shown me anything other than love. Yes, she sometimes has opinions I don't agree with, leading into arguments, but at the end of each argument comes the "I'm sorry, I just say all of this because I want was is best for you..". At the end of the day, everything she does is for me and my siblings, I will never be able to thank her enough for that. Now that I'm older & working, I see how hard it is to try to be on my own, I can only imagine how much my mom struggled being my age & coming to this foreign country trying to support herself, knowing nothing of english but succeeding anyways. She is one of the strongest women I know, I love her so much.

Take some time to thank your mom for all that she's done, not just today, but every chance you get. It's unfortunate that not every child can receive mother's love, but every child who does definitely needs to appreciate it.

Have a wonderful day, everyone :)

high all day

It's May 1. That's just soooooooooooo crazy to me. In only a matter of a few weeks i'll be out of my dorm/SF and back at home/LA for almost 3 months. I'm really sad about this because this means no more constantly seeing my friends, or going to shows, or going on random little adventures. One of the biggest reasons why I decided to move out was for the freedom. I don't mean to make it sound like my mom is one of the strictest out there, because she isn't, but she is a bit difficult to work with when it comes to leaving the house. Long story short, I don't really go out when i'm at home because I can't. Okay well I can but only once a week & I have curfew. I know, for some people it's hard to process that a 19 year old girl still has to ask permission to go out and be home by 10, but that's just how it is back home. For Latina moms, the motto is "MY house, MY rules", so I have to respect my mom's rules. I guess it's not the worst because being home keeps me busy (there's ALWAYS something to do whether it's cleaning, organizing, crafting, etc.) & I get to spend time with my family, but now that I know what it's like to go out & come home whenever I want, it's going to be difficult. Honestly, it's not even that big of a deal because i'll probably just end up getting a job and working all the time anyways & also going out shouldn't be my main priority, plus my mom doesn't keep me isolated from the world or anything haha. As long as I get to be with my family. I'm super excited cause i'm going home this week to go surprise my mom for Mother's Day!!!!! I'm happy because she literally has no idea it's going to be sooooo awesome! 

So going back to the whole idea, I'm just trying to do as much as I can in SF this month since I won't be back until end of August. Yesterday, my friends and I went to a city an hour and a half down south called Santa Cruz and oh my jeeeeezzus it's sooooo beautiful. I get so happy seeing the coastline of California and driving down Pacific Coast Highway is breathtaking. So lucky to live here *sobs*. We were there basically all afternoon chilling at the beach and checking out the scenery. Here are some pictures:

This little rocky part we decided to check out.

An OOTD & my new buddy Connor in the background hahahaha.

Me & Sarrita were twinning, a reoccurring theme for us.

Finally got to show off my DIY Barry Johnson pin haha

Joss being silly.

UCSC campus & friends.

 It was such a beautiful day, I loved yesterday :)

Catch ya in the next one,

-Jess