bored + broke

 Day 2 of summer vacation and it is definitely not what I have been expecting. I'm home alone, really broke, and really tired of hours and hours of job hunting. I broke my phone a couple days ago, leading to me having to pay for a new one. This was my first big purchase for myself, since prior to this the only real payments I was making was for my housing. Anyone who knows me personally knows how stingy I am with my money & how conscious I am about the ways that I spend it, so this really made a dent in my bank account & my heart (lol). But oh well I have a cool new phone now that I paid for so I have to be really responsible and mindful about how I treat it.

With this unexpected purchase, it set me back. I need to think about the amount of money I am going to need for our apartment, so I can't sit around at home anymore. I definitely need a job, but for someone who gets nervous around people, the thought that I need to get a job that isn't with kids scares me. I don't want to mess up or have to deal with rude customers, but I also can't keep hiding because eventually I need to learn how to have social skills. Obviously a simple job at a fast food or retail store would fulfill my need to learn these skills. I can't be afraid of getting a more fast paced job because it's not going to get me anywhere. I'm too old to be having these kinds of fears, I just have to get over it??? Everyone deals with rude customers once in a while, but a phat a$$ check makes up for it, I guess. I shouldn't let other people's scary customer stories freak me out because that's like a once every blue moon situation. 

Overall, I'm trying to go into getting a new job with an open mindset. Even if I hate the job, it's only going to be for two months until I go back to SF to a job I love!! I wish there was a job that I got paid to sleep, I LOVE SLEEP!!!

Hope everyone is feelin' good :)

-Jess

surrounding yourself with beautiful souls

 My manifesto:

If there is one thing that I strongly believe in, it is this: The people you surround yourself with will greatly impact how you feel. 

Up until senior year of high school, I felt that friendships were very one dimensional. It was mostly just about exchanging gossip, giving each other "advice" when it came to crushes and mostly me trying to convince these "friends" that their boyfriends were actually scum & then being told I was just jealous (yeah right!), and copying each others homework. That's it. Yes, I had some fun moments with some friends in middle and high school, but it was mostly me being unhappy with myself and being unhappy with the friendships I was in. They were not benefiting me, I couldn't talk to any of these "friends" about my feelings, my depression, my uncertainty of life. I was stuck with people I basically only used to not be alone at school. I felt uncomfortable and hopeless.

This all changed when I began to meet people who understood me. & when I say "understood me" I mean in more ways than one. Not only did they listen to all this really cool music & play in a rockin' band, but we had deep conversations about life and complex ideas. I will forever be greatful that senior year I met the vaginas + Rene. They did so much for me & i'm sure they don't even know it. Now that I have moved 500+ miles away, it is hard to talk to them all, but I think we have all done the best we can & still remain friends.

I moved from Los Angeles to San Francisco, I was freaking out. How could I have left such an amazing group of friends back home?! Who was I supposed to talk to?! I had met one really cool girl (Karla), but I hated asking her to hang out with me because I thought I was annoying? First month of college recap: lonely, netflix, crying, homesick, emptiness, chipotle (lol). I was going crazy being alone all the time!!! Thankfully, Karla invited me to hang out with her and her buddies & even though it was kind of awkward at first, I LOVED THEM! I felt so happy being with them. I later went on to hanging out with them basically ALL THE TIME!!!! I was soooo happy because I was surrounded by people who listened to hella good music, expressed themselves, & encouraged me to be me!!! They assured me that I wasn't alone in anything, and that means so much to me. We became this group of beautiful people with beautiful minds, and even though sometimes they frustrate me when they tell me something I don't want to hear, I end up appreciating it. I mean they only say it because they care. All the laughs and good memories we share are something I will cherish forever, the midnight adventures & Beyonce dance parties. Everything. Being with them and being surrounded by them brought me so much happiness. There were many occasions where my stress and anxiety made me feel so shitty, but then i'd just go over to the trap house and i'd alleviate some of it. If there is one thing I learned in my first year of college it's that the people who you choose to surround yourself with have the ability to impact you so much, and these people have impacted me in such a positive way. I love making them laugh (even if they aren't laughing with me, but more so at me) & I just wanted to extend this as a "thank you" for being themselves. I have never felt more comfortable with a group of people, I mean we all even fart in front of each other!!! Wow!!! 

Find a group of people who push you forward, make you laugh, & fart in front of you.

I have found my people, & for that I am forever grateful. In these pictures I really wanted to capture the essence of them & their personalities, enjoy!!!

Da group!

Zoe//The one who speaks her mind & reminds us to love ourselves. 

Mia//The one who is basically all of our moms, she takes care of us.

Sarrita//The one who introduced so much adventure into my life!

Josselyn//The one who always wants to wrestle/fight me but also teaches me so much.

Karllo//The one who introduced me to everyone & who also isn't afraid to be spontaneous.

Mal Plum//The one who laughs at me, but also with me.

Me//The one who reminds everyone of a dorky uncool uncle haha.

I love you!!!!!

SO! MANY! THOUGHTS! HOLY! SHIT!

I don't really know how to start this blog post because it's honestly just going to be ranting and complaining about everything that has been bothering me while hopefully making myself feel better by getting it off of my chest and out of the back of my mind.

School: Okay well it's finals week soooooo basically i'm crying every night about how my grades suck and the fact that I have so much shit to do. Honestly, my grades don't suck and I'm making this situation worse by telling myself that I have so much to do because I have sooooo much time to get everything done. I know that I have the capability to pass all my classes, so why do I sike myself out of everything? I'm literally causing myself nothing but more stress by saying that I can't do this. I CAN DO THIS FUCK FINALS FUCK THE SYSTEM. YOU CAN DO THIS TOO I BELIEVE IN YOU LET'S GET THESE FINALS OVER WITH!

Living Situation: So, now that this school year is going to be done with, i'm going to have to leave my dorm and either stay on campus next semester or attempt to get an apartment. I applied for housing buttttttt it's a lottery system and apparently not everyone who applied is going to have housing so that could be me. However, living on campus is easier & such but it's also pretty expensive. An apartment would be cheaper (in the long run) & i'd get to pick my best buds as my roommates?! How perfect would that be?! Even though it sounds so great, it's also super expensive due to that fact that right now I have nothing, no furniture or mattress or anything. That & we need to pay deposit & rent like what the fuck!!!!!!! Housing in SF in general is so expensive & in the words of my dad "A donde te fuiste a meter" or "where did I throw myself into"? I'm just overwhelmed by the numbers that need to be in my bank account that I don't have & it's freaking me out. Also, i'm going to be unemployed as soon as school is over so that doesn't help *eyes start twitching*.

Personal: I'm having a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that I need to grow up. Yeah, all of this is a valid reason for me to be frustrated, but this is only the beginning. I have 3-4 more years of dealing with all of these problems! The other day, I realized that my dad is turning 47 years old in August. I flipped out. How is it that my dad is almost 50 fucking years old. That is not okay. That means that I am nearing 20 years old & I AM NOT READY FOR ALL OF THIS. When did I get into this position???? I'm not living in the moment I'm freaking out about the future too much?!?!? 

The school year is ending and it's all starting to feel like it's piling up on me.

Current Mood: asdfghjkl fuckkkkkking shit

te adoro

Since today is mother's day, I wanted to dedicate this post to some really important people.

Mothers.

Honestly, it's always crazy to me to think that my mom had the strength to go through hours of labor just so I could be here today. It's crazy that women all over the world at all hours of the day are going through such immense pain to welcome a new person into this world. I think the act of childbirth is such a selfless act; women know the circumstances but still go through it because of the love they have for their baby. Not only this, but for the most part, mother's have to deal with us for as long as we are alive.

Ever since I started working at the children's center, I have seen motherhood in new eyes. Since I'm working with infants (1 year olds), I have been able to share so many incredible moments with them. I have seen each one of them take their first steps, walking over to me with such beautiful smiles, hugging me once they have reached me. I'm not going to lie, I have teared up each time this has happened because these small babies are sharing these milestones with me. With beautiful moments like these come the tantrums, poop explosions, spit up/throw up (happens more often than i'd like), messy and stained t-shirts, pinches, bites, tears, and running away from the diaper table...naked. I had never really thought about how difficult it must be to be a mom. Thankfully, I get to go home after a rough day of work and relax. Once you are a mom, you can't do that. Your attention is on your child at ALL times. You rarely get "me time" and have now had to switch gears from worrying about yourself to worrying about baby & you. I know, everything is different for every mom, & who am I to speak not even being a mom myself? However, I can tell you this: every mother has had to struggle at some point in their life for her child & this to me is beautiful.

I complain about feeling like I don't receive as much love as I would like, but I need to take a step back & realize the amount of love my mother has shown me. She has had to deal with me & all my phases, my rebellion, my tears, my tantrums...me. She dealt with the painful changes her body went through because she wanted me. She has financially supported me with school & shared the frustrations with me, but even through all of this, she has never once shown me anything other than love. Yes, she sometimes has opinions I don't agree with, leading into arguments, but at the end of each argument comes the "I'm sorry, I just say all of this because I want was is best for you..". At the end of the day, everything she does is for me and my siblings, I will never be able to thank her enough for that. Now that I'm older & working, I see how hard it is to try to be on my own, I can only imagine how much my mom struggled being my age & coming to this foreign country trying to support herself, knowing nothing of english but succeeding anyways. She is one of the strongest women I know, I love her so much.

Take some time to thank your mom for all that she's done, not just today, but every chance you get. It's unfortunate that not every child can receive mother's love, but every child who does definitely needs to appreciate it.

Have a wonderful day, everyone :)

high all day

It's May 1. That's just soooooooooooo crazy to me. In only a matter of a few weeks i'll be out of my dorm/SF and back at home/LA for almost 3 months. I'm really sad about this because this means no more constantly seeing my friends, or going to shows, or going on random little adventures. One of the biggest reasons why I decided to move out was for the freedom. I don't mean to make it sound like my mom is one of the strictest out there, because she isn't, but she is a bit difficult to work with when it comes to leaving the house. Long story short, I don't really go out when i'm at home because I can't. Okay well I can but only once a week & I have curfew. I know, for some people it's hard to process that a 19 year old girl still has to ask permission to go out and be home by 10, but that's just how it is back home. For Latina moms, the motto is "MY house, MY rules", so I have to respect my mom's rules. I guess it's not the worst because being home keeps me busy (there's ALWAYS something to do whether it's cleaning, organizing, crafting, etc.) & I get to spend time with my family, but now that I know what it's like to go out & come home whenever I want, it's going to be difficult. Honestly, it's not even that big of a deal because i'll probably just end up getting a job and working all the time anyways & also going out shouldn't be my main priority, plus my mom doesn't keep me isolated from the world or anything haha. As long as I get to be with my family. I'm super excited cause i'm going home this week to go surprise my mom for Mother's Day!!!!! I'm happy because she literally has no idea it's going to be sooooo awesome! 

So going back to the whole idea, I'm just trying to do as much as I can in SF this month since I won't be back until end of August. Yesterday, my friends and I went to a city an hour and a half down south called Santa Cruz and oh my jeeeeezzus it's sooooo beautiful. I get so happy seeing the coastline of California and driving down Pacific Coast Highway is breathtaking. So lucky to live here *sobs*. We were there basically all afternoon chilling at the beach and checking out the scenery. Here are some pictures:

This little rocky part we decided to check out.

An OOTD & my new buddy Connor in the background hahahaha.

Me & Sarrita were twinning, a reoccurring theme for us.

Finally got to show off my DIY Barry Johnson pin haha

Joss being silly.

UCSC campus & friends.

 It was such a beautiful day, I loved yesterday :)

Catch ya in the next one,

-Jess